Small Life, Big Picture

Several years ago, when I was 28 and living a vastly different life than the one I live now, I had a dramatic burn out that led to an examination of my priorities.  It's a long story; the extremely short version is that once I had identified what truly mattered to me, I started to align my lifestyle with those qualities.  This alignment required making sacrifices and, ultimately, turning around and going in the complete opposite direction I had been travelling.  In astrological terms, I went through my first Saturn Return, transitioning from Maiden into Mother.  The transition was uncomfortable, to say the least, and full of conflict, tension, and difficult lessons (though it also offered its joys, gifts, and blessings).  And of course it was only when I finally gave up struggling and threw my hands up in surrender that I was whirled around and guided to where I was supposed to be.

I know that description of my past is a bit vague, but it gives a general idea of why I am where I am (and where I am is in a different city, with a different lifestyle, married to a different man).  Though I certainly have Big Life envy at times, I know that a Big Life will not make me happy.  For me, happiness means feeling "at Home"--that feeling of Belonging, of unconditional Love.  Time is my currency, not money (both are concepts, not realities, for what it's worth).  I find that the smaller I get, the more of the big picture I can see...the picture is so expansive, so intricate, so diverse, and so very very beautiful and I want to breathe in more and more of it.  If I allow my ego to get smaller and smaller, I find the Love and awe I feel grow bigger and bigger.

My husband uses different words, but he shares the same concept.  When we met, we were each pleased to find that we shared the same values and priorities.  We both wanted a large family and to live in a semi-off-the-grid earth shelter.  We both wanted to live life as a sacrament, as in honoring and taking care of the sacred and mysterious universe we live in moment by moment.  (I suppose now is a good time to explain that I use a lot of mystical and symbolic language.  If there is a "sacred" definition and a "religious" definition, I am most likely using the former.)

We already live a small life and it is satisfying in a sacred way.  We rent a small house in the Inland Northwest, eat from our garden throughout the summer, bake our own bread, and cook primarily from scratch.  Though we do not have much money and have to live on a strict budget, we do not feel poor (well, sometimes I feel poor, but then I remind myself of all the things that are more valuable to me than money).  We have what we need.  My husband grew up on a farm and is skilled at the tasks needed for self-sufficiency (he is also ascetically-biased in general; for example, he would prefer we not have a TV whereas I very much enjoy having a TV).  I am less skilled, unfortunately, but do have some crafty and caring talents to contribute.

And so, after talking and dreaming about it since our relationship was solidified three and a half years ago, we are taking seriously the idea of moving to the family farm my husband grew up on in western Montana, building an earth shelter, and living off the land (and freelance work).  There are many factors to consider, not the least of which is whether this is a financially viable endeavor, and I will outline in this blog our thought and design processes...and, should we manifest this dream, how we make it happen.


Why now?

I am the working parent and my husband stays at home with our 18 month old daughter.  We are both highly educated (I have a masters degree, my husband a doctorate), but I am apparently the more employable in this economy.  I work an increasingly dissatisfying corporate day job, a part-time music job, and as a  freelancer (as a healer, spiritual companion, and presenter).  I enjoy my family time and my freelance work, but not eight hours of each work day.  There are no jobs in my field(s) available where I live and I am loathe to simply move to another spirit-crushing corporate job.  If we stay where we are, I need to make enough income to pay the bills, feed us, and make ends meet in general; if we move to an earth-shelter, our budget will (ideally) consist of less expenses and give me more flexibility when it comes to a job.  And if it doesn't...well, I can get a soul-crushing corporate job there (though it will not pay as well as it would here).

As a Mom and perpetually-pregnant woman (I have been pregnant 20 of the 33 months we have been married), I have been learning more about what goes into store-bought eggs and milk and meat and am more and more disturbed by what I learn.  I feel helpless because I do not want to continue consuming hormones and antibiotics nor contribute to poor living conditions for animals (etc. etc. etc.), but we cannot afford organic/raw milk, free-range eggs or grass-fed beef.  On the farm, we could have chickens and eventually a dairy cow, goat, and perhaps a pig.  We would most likely farm wheat as well.

While we would be relatively isolated on the farm (and that isolation is certainly something to consider in regards to my mental and emotional health), the fact is that we don't get out much.  I am quite a bit more social than my husband, and that is not saying much (I love humanity in general, but specific humans drive me nuts).  In Montana, our children would have cousins and third-cousins to play with regularly, whereas here we only see even local cousins occasionally.  Most of my close friends are spread across the country and so it doesn't really matter if I live here or there (though I do have a few good friends here who would be sorely missed).  My husband doesn't have any friends where we live now (which he is okay with) and his best friend's family (all of whom I like) live near the farm and would be fun to hang out with on a regular basis.  My husband's parents still live on the farm and would love to have us there (and could use the help).

Farm life, from what everyone who grew up on a farm has told me, is great for kids.  I know it isn't an easy life, but there are a lot of wonderful things about living and growing up on a farm.  If both my husband and I are available to put the time and energy into farm work and child raising, it would be a wonderful life for us.


Why not now?

Building an earth shelter is going to be hard work.  Designing a functional house is intellectually challenging and constructing said house is back breaking work.  We have been playing with ideas and designs and plans for years and still have not settled on what medium we want to use.  Cob?  Straw bale?  Timber frame?  Grain bins?  Cement?  The information and options make my head spin.  I have no construction experience and I have to just trust that my husband really does know what he is talking about (I read and question and clarify, but my brain just doesn't fully track some of the concepts).  My father-in-law built the house my husband grew up in and it is very nice and still standing...that said, I understand there was quite a bit of trial and error and FIL is still working on it after 35 years.  My husband is confident he can make it all work properly, but I hate not having enough knowledge to judge whether he knows what he is doing.

Mosquitoes.  I fucking hate mosquitoes (doesn't everyone?).  I am always amazed at the blood lust mosquitoes inspire in me--I don't just want them to die, I want them to die in pain and fire.  *All* of them.  I hates them.  The farm land has both river and slough (beautiful!) and, consequently, a plague of mosquitoes every summer (wretched, hateful things!).  Whenever we visit, I am unpleasantly reminded that outdoor activities result in being eaten alive by mosquitoes.  I have some ideas, mostly consisting of mosquito netting (an outdoor play/eating area with netting curtains and a beekeeper-esque outfit for me).  I worry that mosquitoes will make me miserable--and that seeing bites all over my children will drive me insane.

The farm is about 20 minutes from town.  It isn't completely isolated, but it is more isolated than I am used to.  My husband knows people: his parents, extended family, best friend and family, neighbors, acquaintances.  I know no one other than the family and best friend.  While I am not super social, I do need a kindred spirit or two to have a bottle of wine with (my husband doesn't drink at all) and "vent" (I process through just about everything by venting and I need feedback...my husband is good at listening but dismal at giving feedback).  On personality tests, I am equal extrovert and introvert.  I am comfortable on stage, have many friends (though I may not socialize much), and am often described as charismatic, outspoken, and loud (these are the "nice" descriptors); I also require regular down-time in order to re-charge and am very content to be alone with myself.  The nearby town has a population of about 20,000 (and the surrounding areas raise that number to just above 90,000, which is a little less than half the population of the city we currently live in).  There are people to meet and things to do, but I will need to exert effort to find them.  I imagine I will primarily hang out with my family and the people mentioned above.  Hopefully people will come to visit us to soak in the landscape and ooh and ahh over our innovative home.  And we will absolutely have to invest in reliable and fast internet service because I *love* my virtual friendships (most of whom are in-real-life friends who are simply too far away to engage in person).

I am fond of where we live right now.  I like the city (my hometown), I like our neighborhood, and I like being close to most of my immediate family.  I would probably miss these things.  I just don't know (yet) whether I will really and truly and consistently like living on the (sometimes mosquito-infested) farm.  I don't have to do much physical labor here; there will be lots and lots of hard and physical work to be done on the farm--things that will have to get done no matter how exhausted or pregnant or cranky I am.  What if I don't like it?  What if it is too difficult for me (as in, what if I don't ever get to be lazy)?  The unknown is scary.  I'm a courageous girl and have lept into the unknown before.  I'm brave enough to make this leap...and know myself well enough to admit where I might fall short.  My husband is a tireless worker and thrives on physical labor.  He doesn't expect me to do much "hard" stuff.  I never want to take advantage of him, though.

We have minimal financial resources available to us.  We would need a small construction loan (whether that is through public or private means remains to be determined) and our savings won't get us very far.  Our earth-shelter needs are a little more demanding than a simple one to three room home--we are raising a growing family.  Animals are expensive to buy, breed (when necessary), and raise.  In the long run, I think our plan is viable and sound and our cost-of-living will decrease.  Start-up costs need to be considered, though.


Saying Yes
My gut says to just do it.  My husband's heart has been leading him to do this for over a decade.  We want to just do it.

In times of discernment, I pray, I meditate, I imagine what life looks like in each possibility, and I do a tarot reading.  Tarot is widely misunderstood and I know many people think it is scary.  Tarot is not fortune-telling or divination (contrary to popular belief) and does not "bring in evil spirits" (that costs extra).  A tarot reading tells a story that, ideally, brings to the forefront what is on the person being read's heart and mind.  I have been reading tarot cards for fifteen years and have found them to be an affirming and effective way of looking at issues from a different viewpoint for both myself and my clients--and they just happen to be surprisingly accurate.  (I'm a skilled reader, incorporate spiritual direction into my readings, and am outrageously affordable.  I do phone and in-person readings; if you've ever wanted a reading, you should contact me for one!)

Here is my tarot reading for "what happens if we just pick up, move to the farm, and build an earth-shelter?":

I won't go into all the details right now (perhaps later), but this is an overwhelmingly positive reading.  It basically says it is going to be a lot of hard, challenging work that leads to the life we want to have and were meant to have.  It says that we are in a space right now to manifest this dream and indicates that I will be happy and satisfied with the outcome.  I need to work through current feelings of vulnerability and in the future will need to keep our goal in mind as challenges arise.  The choice has been made, really...we just need to say Yes and start digging.