Money is the root of all evil; I need more money.

I have never had a lot of money.  I've had a job of some sort since I was 12 and have supported myself (and often others) since college.  I have always been frugal and hesitant to borrow money; it took me many years to pay off my substantial student loans and now I have my husband's substantial law school loans to consider.  We don't use credit cards (outside of emergencies) and if we can't afford something, we don't buy it.

Despite the tongue-in-cheek title of this post, I don't hate money.  I like having money.  Money is necessary in order to live in the United States.  What I don't like is being beholden to money or having my personal happiness and satisfaction tied to how much money I make/have.  I would love to have plenty of money, but I realized many years ago that I was not willing to be the person I would need to be in order to make a lot of money.  (I also realized, to my chagrin, that I was not willing to be person I would need to be in order to be a successful theatre artist.)

As a kid, I fantasized about having a Victorian manor; I still gaze dreamily at Victorian manors, but I know that they require a lot of upkeep and probably have high utility bills and that while I love the idea of having a music room and a craft room and a play room, I would rather my whole family be in one room where we parallel play or play together.  In the same way, though I often wish that we could afford to eat out more often and go to a really nice restaurant every once in a while, I would rather have meals at home with my family every night than have one of us working late so that we can afford a more affluent lifestyle.

Our monthly budget includes rent, utilities, cell phones, gas, food, life insurance, car insurance, student loan payments, taxes, and additional medical payments/bills.  I am personally quite proud of how well we do on the amount of money we bring in, but there's not much wiggle room and our expendable income is basically zilch.  A "date night" is us on the couch with something fun that we both want to watch and possibly something special to eat (my husband's specialty is pie).  These are the sacrifices we are willing to make in order to raise our own children and have time together ("sacrifice" means "to make sacred").  Should we start digging a home, further sacrifices will be need to be made.

In an ideal world, we would secure a $30,000 loan to be paid over 10 years at a rate of 3% or less.  Since I am not sure what the real world budget looks like right now, we'll go with the ideal world monthly budget.  This budget assumes we have subsidized medical insurance under the Affordable Care Act, our current life and car insurance rates, and that we use electric rather than gas for cooking.  It also does not take into account student loan repayment or unexpected medical bills.  Most of these budget items are non-negotiable (we have to make loan payments, we have to pay for utilities, we have to make insurance payments).  Depending on our garden harvests and how often we need to drive into town or fill up the farm vehicles, food and gas could possible be a bit lower; animals, however, will add to the expenses.

Loan Repayment:  $289.68
Insurance (Life, Car, Medical): $400
Utilities (cell phones, internet, electric): $300
Gas: $80
Food: $400
IDEAL WORLD TOTAL: $1469.68

Basically, we need to be bringing in $1500/month minimum PLUS taxes (federal and state income taxes, self-employment tax, property tax), bringing us to a minimum monthly income of $2000, or $24,000/year.  I'm not gonna lie, that's a good chunk of change to have to bring in plus working the farm (so that the farm might eventually be self-sustaining).  For now, I'm not going to think about the fact that this does not allow for any savings, including retirement.

One of my downfalls is that I am a very poor salesperson.  I am happy to sell you something you need for a price that is fair to both of us, but I am completely unwilling to talk you into buying something, particularly if you think you don't need it.  Add to this the fact that many of the people who actually need the services I provide are as financially strapped as I am and you have a dismal failure of a salesperson.  As a healer, I am going to help someone whether they can pay for it or not (I do a *lot* of bartering) because they need it; while this altruistic attitude is great in many ways, it doesn't help pay the bills.

A few years ago, when we were expecting our first child, I freaked out about money and started looking into getting a (fourth) job.  I was offered an online job doing boring internet stuff but then realized that the answer to our money problems was not me getting yet another job in addition to adding a brand new helpless person to take care of.

To come up with $2000/month, I could do a combination of the following options:

• re-apply for boring internet job and work from home
• try some more aggressive marketing tactics (against my will) and try to get more over the phone clients for tarot readings, distance healing, and spiritual direction
• offer workshops and classes and perhaps get hired to teach theatre or music in town
• sell organic teas and tinctures, loose herbs, and herbal crafts at the farmers' market and online (once our herb garden is producing)

My husband can work as well, but that means he won't be able to put his time and energy into maintaining the farm.  He could take the Montana BAR (I hate to make him take the BAR again) and perhaps find some lawyer work.  He can hire himself out as a gardener, landscaper, or general hired help.  I think he could have great success as a professional Wedding Dancer (the man dances like no one is watching...and trust me, *everyone* is watching).  We could sell his delicious homemade bread (along with eggs and milk, eventually).

The worst case scenario is I get a minimum-wage job in town.  Well, I guess the *worst* worst-case scenario is that I can't even get a minimum-wage job in town and we can't pay our taxes and we have to depend on the kindness of family members in order to feed our children.

I am not crazy about my current day job, but it is a job and it pays the bills.  The job's security is diminishing, however, and who knows how long it will actually last.  This is where the question "do I stay in the blah known or jump into the exciting--but uncertain--unknown?" is asked and my answer to that question is "well, duh, jump into the unknown!"  My heart shouts "Yes!  You will be okay!" while my brain counters "Whoa, wait, you have to come up with how much?  What if, what if, what if???"

It's the first 5 years that scare me.  After that, we should have things (kind of sort of) figured out.