As a recovering perfectionist and overachiever, I struggle with the tension of wanting to do everything (and do it really really well) and understanding I just cannot do everything (and certainly not really really well). While I have known for many years that "control" is an illusion, becoming a parent certainly drove that concept home. As I have grown older, I have become more and more content with "good enough." As much as I love to be super awesome and productive and wow people with my skills and talents, I also love to not feel overwhelmed and crazy busy. I have learned that taking care of myself means I need down time and a certain amount of sleep at night (which is why I haven't been functioning very well for the past two years). I have also learned how to choose projects to participate in: there are lots of creative projects I want to be a part of that I decline because I simply don't have the emotional or physical energy available to make them enjoyable.
Admitting to myself, after working as a professional theatre artist for a decade, that I didn't like the theatre lifestyle and didn't want to be the person I needed to be in order to continue to succeed in that industry, was very difficult for me. I still loved the art, the creativity, and the process, but I no longer wanted to pursue it. I wanted to pursue a family and a small life and time to just Be. [This is where the boy I was married to--I cannot bring myself to call him a man because, sadly, I don't think he has the capacity to ever get past adolescence emotionally--and I parted ways; staying together required a compromise of one of our spirits and I was no longer willing to compromise mine.]
Being a working theatre artist had been my dream for as long as I could remember. When I stopped focusing on my dream and rather concentrated on following my Bliss...well, that's when I found what truly made me happy. Deep down, sigh of contentment, at Home, abundantly happy. There are still tensions and conflicts and challenges, but at my Center I am whole and cared for. Things aren't perfect, but they are Perfect. And while getting here wasn't easy, it was certainly easier than living a life that wasn't absolutely authentic.
I do what I can and I don't do what I can't. I say yes to what I can say yes to and no to what I need to say no to. I give what I can give and I gratefully receive what I need. Wonderful!
Except now there are children involved. My children. My children who I want to nourish really really well and nurture really really well and do everything right by. As (most) parents are well aware, that is impossible (this was proven to us pretty much immediately when our first child was transferred to the NICU 2 hours after our successful homebirth and our newborn plan promptly went out the window). So while both my husband and I continue to do what we can and not do what we can't, I find myself wanting desperately to be able to do more.
What I can do: create a budget that is within our means.
What I can't do: afford organic/raw milk; afford organic/free-range eggs; afford organic produce
It is important for us to live within our means. It is also important for the food we feed ourselves and our children to be free of harmful hormones and to come from animals who lived natural lives (as much as possible). So far we have been doing what we can do: buying regular milk that is rBFH-free; we buy free-range eggs when they are on sale; when we buy strawberries, we go organic because strawberries really soak in the toxins from spraying; we invested in half a hog from a local farm this year. It's a start and it is what we can make work right now, but I still feel uncomfortable with antibiotics and pesticides present in non-organic milk and eggs as well as the treatment of the dairy cows and laying hens on non-organic farms. And I am also aware that cow milk isn't a dietary necessity and wonder if we can cut back. Most of our milk is consumed in oatmeal and cereal--only our daughter actually drinks milk (around 2 to 2 1/2 cups a day). As for eggs, well...hens are not cheap or easy, but after talking about having them for quite a while, I am wondering if we should take the plunge into ownership.
What I can do: research vaccinations.
What I can't do: trust completely that I am getting accurate, truthful information.
The vaccination debate is crazy making for me. I see valid points on both sides and making an informed, evidence-based decision seems next-to-impossible. After engaging in (what felt like too many) lengthy discussions, reading numerous articles, and talking to a diverse variety of people, we ended up doing a delayed vaccination schedule and our first child is currently up-to-date. It is really difficult to get an unbiased view of vaccines--it appears most are either totally for them or totally against them and both sides tend to demonize the other. I still don't know the right answer. Our daughter didn't have a bad reaction (other than the initial "how could you let that just happen to me?!") to any of the vaccines; our doctor said he had never seen anyone harmed by a vaccine but had seen children die from diseases that would have been prevented if vaccinated; the autism correlation has been thoroughly debunked. I don't feel 100% comfortable with what is in the vaccines and I certainly don't trust the vaccine industry to give me the straight facts since they are out to make money; I don't think giving multiple vaccines at a time is healthy (which is why we delayed some); I am not certain all of the vaccines are needed. So we do what we can do: do as much research as possible and then go with our gut instinct, which is to vaccinate.
I cannot help but feel, once again, that money lies the root of these challenges. I hate being sold to, and I don't trust people who are trying to sell me something, be that milk or drugs or whatever. Because our budget is so tight, I am very careful about what I spend my money on--if I need it, I will buy it, you don't need to convince me. Dairy cows and laying hens are packed into feeding pens (or worse) because it's cheaper--they are given hormones because the end result is more money (for someone). Vaccine companies market their products and make money. Even my OB who I trust for the most part gave me a birth control pill because the "nice pharm rep" gave him a bunch of samples (I declined to take the pill because 1) I will never go on birth control pills again and 2) I researched the particular pill and was dismayed by the side effects). Sponsored studies, lobbyists, highest bidders...every statement has to be examined and cited and even then I rarely feel like I am being given accurate information.
And then there is part of me that knows that these are First World problems and is a little ashamed (though more ashamed of the First World culture that worships the almighty dollar at the expense of human beings). I like to think that my little family would make it regardless of where we called home and be happy because we have each other, but I am quite aware of how "easy" we have it. Organic or not, we have plenty to fill our bellies and our children will not go hungry nor die of polio. I am able to have the downtime I need in order to recharge (though that will certainly take a hiatus when #2 makes his appearance in September). We have a sturdy roof over our heads and a yard for our children to play in. We have two gardens, one in the front yard and one in the back. I have a job and, because of our small lifestyle, make enough so that my husband can be the primary caregiver. Even if we never get to realize our goal of living in an earth shelter on the farm, we have a lovely life full of tiny abundances and I am ever grateful for that.
