As a recovering perfectionist and overachiever, I struggle with the tension of wanting to do everything (and do it really really well) and understanding I just cannot do everything (and certainly not really really well). While I have known for many years that "control" is an illusion, becoming a parent certainly drove that concept home. As I have grown older, I have become more and more content with "good enough." As much as I love to be super awesome and productive and wow people with my skills and talents, I also love to not feel overwhelmed and crazy busy. I have learned that taking care of myself means I need down time and a certain amount of sleep at night (which is why I haven't been functioning very well for the past two years). I have also learned how to choose projects to participate in: there are lots of creative projects I want to be a part of that I decline because I simply don't have the emotional or physical energy available to make them enjoyable.
Admitting to myself, after working as a professional theatre artist for a decade, that I didn't like the theatre lifestyle and didn't want to be the person I needed to be in order to continue to succeed in that industry, was very difficult for me. I still loved the art, the creativity, and the process, but I no longer wanted to pursue it. I wanted to pursue a family and a small life and time to just Be. [This is where the boy I was married to--I cannot bring myself to call him a man because, sadly, I don't think he has the capacity to ever get past adolescence emotionally--and I parted ways; staying together required a compromise of one of our spirits and I was no longer willing to compromise mine.]
Being a working theatre artist had been my dream for as long as I could remember. When I stopped focusing on my dream and rather concentrated on following my Bliss...well, that's when I found what truly made me happy. Deep down, sigh of contentment, at Home, abundantly happy. There are still tensions and conflicts and challenges, but at my Center I am whole and cared for. Things aren't perfect, but they are Perfect. And while getting here wasn't easy, it was certainly easier than living a life that wasn't absolutely authentic.
I do what I can and I don't do what I can't. I say yes to what I can say yes to and no to what I need to say no to. I give what I can give and I gratefully receive what I need. Wonderful!
Except now there are children involved. My children. My children who I want to nourish really really well and nurture really really well and do everything right by. As (most) parents are well aware, that is impossible (this was proven to us pretty much immediately when our first child was transferred to the NICU 2 hours after our successful homebirth and our newborn plan promptly went out the window). So while both my husband and I continue to do what we can and not do what we can't, I find myself wanting desperately to be able to do more.
What I can do: create a budget that is within our means.
What I can't do: afford organic/raw milk; afford organic/free-range eggs; afford organic produce
It is important for us to live within our means. It is also important for the food we feed ourselves and our children to be free of harmful hormones and to come from animals who lived natural lives (as much as possible). So far we have been doing what we can do: buying regular milk that is rBFH-free; we buy free-range eggs when they are on sale; when we buy strawberries, we go organic because strawberries really soak in the toxins from spraying; we invested in half a hog from a local farm this year. It's a start and it is what we can make work right now, but I still feel uncomfortable with antibiotics and pesticides present in non-organic milk and eggs as well as the treatment of the dairy cows and laying hens on non-organic farms. And I am also aware that cow milk isn't a dietary necessity and wonder if we can cut back. Most of our milk is consumed in oatmeal and cereal--only our daughter actually drinks milk (around 2 to 2 1/2 cups a day). As for eggs, well...hens are not cheap or easy, but after talking about having them for quite a while, I am wondering if we should take the plunge into ownership.
What I can do: research vaccinations.
What I can't do: trust completely that I am getting accurate, truthful information.
The vaccination debate is crazy making for me. I see valid points on both sides and making an informed, evidence-based decision seems next-to-impossible. After engaging in (what felt like too many) lengthy discussions, reading numerous articles, and talking to a diverse variety of people, we ended up doing a delayed vaccination schedule and our first child is currently up-to-date. It is really difficult to get an unbiased view of vaccines--it appears most are either totally for them or totally against them and both sides tend to demonize the other. I still don't know the right answer. Our daughter didn't have a bad reaction (other than the initial "how could you let that just happen to me?!") to any of the vaccines; our doctor said he had never seen anyone harmed by a vaccine but had seen children die from diseases that would have been prevented if vaccinated; the autism correlation has been thoroughly debunked. I don't feel 100% comfortable with what is in the vaccines and I certainly don't trust the vaccine industry to give me the straight facts since they are out to make money; I don't think giving multiple vaccines at a time is healthy (which is why we delayed some); I am not certain all of the vaccines are needed. So we do what we can do: do as much research as possible and then go with our gut instinct, which is to vaccinate.
I cannot help but feel, once again, that money lies the root of these challenges. I hate being sold to, and I don't trust people who are trying to sell me something, be that milk or drugs or whatever. Because our budget is so tight, I am very careful about what I spend my money on--if I need it, I will buy it, you don't need to convince me. Dairy cows and laying hens are packed into feeding pens (or worse) because it's cheaper--they are given hormones because the end result is more money (for someone). Vaccine companies market their products and make money. Even my OB who I trust for the most part gave me a birth control pill because the "nice pharm rep" gave him a bunch of samples (I declined to take the pill because 1) I will never go on birth control pills again and 2) I researched the particular pill and was dismayed by the side effects). Sponsored studies, lobbyists, highest bidders...every statement has to be examined and cited and even then I rarely feel like I am being given accurate information.
And then there is part of me that knows that these are First World problems and is a little ashamed (though more ashamed of the First World culture that worships the almighty dollar at the expense of human beings). I like to think that my little family would make it regardless of where we called home and be happy because we have each other, but I am quite aware of how "easy" we have it. Organic or not, we have plenty to fill our bellies and our children will not go hungry nor die of polio. I am able to have the downtime I need in order to recharge (though that will certainly take a hiatus when #2 makes his appearance in September). We have a sturdy roof over our heads and a yard for our children to play in. We have two gardens, one in the front yard and one in the back. I have a job and, because of our small lifestyle, make enough so that my husband can be the primary caregiver. Even if we never get to realize our goal of living in an earth shelter on the farm, we have a lovely life full of tiny abundances and I am ever grateful for that.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Being Realistic: Take Two
After further research, I take back some of the things I said in my previous post. I have a feeling it won't be the last time.
Researching the possibilities and identifying which possibilities are good for our particular situation is exhausting for me and makes me wish we had the money to hire a green building designer. My husband, on the other hand, absolutely wants to design the house and does not wear out nearly as quickly as I do.
The more I read and sketch and muse, the easier a non-bermed/underground home seems to be design and build-wise. We both are partial to a bermed house, however, so we are trying to move in that direction; it does limit our options as far as materials go. Earthbags have moved up to first choice and may be the most affordable choice as well. We can supposedly the structure and walls for a 900 square foot home for around $5000 and that sounds good to both of us (and that is if we pay people to help us fill the bags and stack the bags). The trickiest thing to figure out, in my current opinion, is the foundation of the house.
In addition to the ability to be "hidden" in the landscape, an earthbag house is also most efficient and durable when built in a circle (so strike that whole four-corner mandate). My husband would prefer a circle (or possible two or three) and I admit that I like the idea as well. I was thinking of just doing a big kiva-style circle, but my husband is concerned about roofing such a structure (with good reason, particularly since we want a living roof). Two or three connected circles might be the way to go...and we could create an "addition doorway" that allows for future expansion should we need it/have the funds for it.
My husband has started to build a (above-ground) circular playhouse in our backyard so he can practice and try out some of his ideas. He has already built several (impressive and beautiful) arches using sticks of various lengths and thickness, so he is expanding on that idea. The technique is called "wattle and daub" and he is losing sleep because he can't stop thinking about all the options for plaster.
We have narrowed down the rooms we absolutely need to:
Great Room: where we all hang out most of the time; bookshelves, work space, play space, lounging space
Kitchen: integrated as part of the Great Room so that the one cooking is not isolated; includes an island-type structure for eating meals
3 Bedrooms: one for the parents, one for the girls, one for the boys; bunkbeds for the kids' rooms; a "nursery alcove" for the current infant in the master bedroom
2 Bathrooms: one for the parents, one for everyone else; the master bathroom will have a soaker tub because that makes Mama happy; the other bathroom will have a shower and tub
Utility Room: laundry, water heater (however we decide to do that), etc.
Loft: a Loft would be awesome because, with the addition of an air mattress, it can sleep guests or additional children; sans-guests/children, it can be used for storage; steps can be anchored within the earthbags, maximizing space (otherwise, it will have to be a ladder or spiral staircase)
I am having a lot more difficulty designing for a circle compared to a square, especially when it comes to windows. The priority is for the Great Room/Kitchen to have windows and it would be nice for the bedrooms to each have a window. We intend to utilize tubular skylights, so getting natural light is possible even without an actual window. If bedrooms are primarily for sleeping and most waking activities happen in the Great Room or outdoors, then window-less bedrooms aren't so very horrible; as the children want more and more of their own space, however, they may retreat to their rooms. Or maybe they will have a playhouse they can go to.
My thinking has also been revised a bit regarding what animals we can raise at first. Chickens are a must--we go through 18+ eggs each week with just pregnant me and a toddler. There is already a coop on the farm that we can use until we are able to build our own. My desire for a dairy cow will most likely have to be postponed, however, for several reasons mostly having to do with time and cost. It apparently costs as much to raise a dairy cow as it does to raise a herd of goats. I have never consumed goat milk, but apparently it is a far better match for the human digestive system than cow milk. The main reason I want a dairy cow is so that the family can drink raw milk and if goat milk is a cheaper and ultimately healthier substitute, I can get behind that (and hopefully tolerate the taste). I'm sure there are opportunities to purchase raw cow milk nearby as well and if it is affordable we can take advantage of that.
The down-side to raising goats is that they are escape-artists and require clever housing. We found a design that looks like it addresses the many requirements such as separating kids and does, giving them space as well as company, and allowing for rotation throughout the farm. I foresee some profanity on my part when it comes to raising goats, especially if they escape and mess with our gardens.
Honestly, I foresee a lot of profanity in general once we start actually building. My husband doesn't even say "damn," so I make up for him.
Researching the possibilities and identifying which possibilities are good for our particular situation is exhausting for me and makes me wish we had the money to hire a green building designer. My husband, on the other hand, absolutely wants to design the house and does not wear out nearly as quickly as I do.
The more I read and sketch and muse, the easier a non-bermed/underground home seems to be design and build-wise. We both are partial to a bermed house, however, so we are trying to move in that direction; it does limit our options as far as materials go. Earthbags have moved up to first choice and may be the most affordable choice as well. We can supposedly the structure and walls for a 900 square foot home for around $5000 and that sounds good to both of us (and that is if we pay people to help us fill the bags and stack the bags). The trickiest thing to figure out, in my current opinion, is the foundation of the house.
In addition to the ability to be "hidden" in the landscape, an earthbag house is also most efficient and durable when built in a circle (so strike that whole four-corner mandate). My husband would prefer a circle (or possible two or three) and I admit that I like the idea as well. I was thinking of just doing a big kiva-style circle, but my husband is concerned about roofing such a structure (with good reason, particularly since we want a living roof). Two or three connected circles might be the way to go...and we could create an "addition doorway" that allows for future expansion should we need it/have the funds for it.
My husband has started to build a (above-ground) circular playhouse in our backyard so he can practice and try out some of his ideas. He has already built several (impressive and beautiful) arches using sticks of various lengths and thickness, so he is expanding on that idea. The technique is called "wattle and daub" and he is losing sleep because he can't stop thinking about all the options for plaster.
We have narrowed down the rooms we absolutely need to:
Great Room: where we all hang out most of the time; bookshelves, work space, play space, lounging space
Kitchen: integrated as part of the Great Room so that the one cooking is not isolated; includes an island-type structure for eating meals
3 Bedrooms: one for the parents, one for the girls, one for the boys; bunkbeds for the kids' rooms; a "nursery alcove" for the current infant in the master bedroom
2 Bathrooms: one for the parents, one for everyone else; the master bathroom will have a soaker tub because that makes Mama happy; the other bathroom will have a shower and tub
Utility Room: laundry, water heater (however we decide to do that), etc.
Loft: a Loft would be awesome because, with the addition of an air mattress, it can sleep guests or additional children; sans-guests/children, it can be used for storage; steps can be anchored within the earthbags, maximizing space (otherwise, it will have to be a ladder or spiral staircase)
I am having a lot more difficulty designing for a circle compared to a square, especially when it comes to windows. The priority is for the Great Room/Kitchen to have windows and it would be nice for the bedrooms to each have a window. We intend to utilize tubular skylights, so getting natural light is possible even without an actual window. If bedrooms are primarily for sleeping and most waking activities happen in the Great Room or outdoors, then window-less bedrooms aren't so very horrible; as the children want more and more of their own space, however, they may retreat to their rooms. Or maybe they will have a playhouse they can go to.
My thinking has also been revised a bit regarding what animals we can raise at first. Chickens are a must--we go through 18+ eggs each week with just pregnant me and a toddler. There is already a coop on the farm that we can use until we are able to build our own. My desire for a dairy cow will most likely have to be postponed, however, for several reasons mostly having to do with time and cost. It apparently costs as much to raise a dairy cow as it does to raise a herd of goats. I have never consumed goat milk, but apparently it is a far better match for the human digestive system than cow milk. The main reason I want a dairy cow is so that the family can drink raw milk and if goat milk is a cheaper and ultimately healthier substitute, I can get behind that (and hopefully tolerate the taste). I'm sure there are opportunities to purchase raw cow milk nearby as well and if it is affordable we can take advantage of that.
The down-side to raising goats is that they are escape-artists and require clever housing. We found a design that looks like it addresses the many requirements such as separating kids and does, giving them space as well as company, and allowing for rotation throughout the farm. I foresee some profanity on my part when it comes to raising goats, especially if they escape and mess with our gardens.
Honestly, I foresee a lot of profanity in general once we start actually building. My husband doesn't even say "damn," so I make up for him.
Monday, June 17, 2013
In which I try to be realistic.
Building a home is an exciting prospect and excites my imagination. As I do more in-depth research (trying to determine which materials we should use) and estimate costs of materials, I am faced with the reality that what we can afford to construct is going to be quite minimal. In my head, I fantasize about a relatively spacious hobbit hole that is cozy but has enough room for each of us to stretch out a bit; in reality, we have the means to re-create the first floor of the Weasley house.
The danger in putting together our needs assessment is that I look at our lists and think, oh yes! we will have space for these things! And we could do this! And this! Oh, and this would be so pretty! And...then I remember that we are looking at a budget of $20,000. That amount of money is not going to build the 1200 square foot house of our dreams. That plan I drew up based on our needs assessment? Tossed. Gone is the office/healing space, gone is the third bedroom, the garage/shop is detached, and everything has to be a bit smaller. I sketched a new plan which is a simple rectangle. There are two reasons for this: 1) my research insists that a house with four corners is the cheapest to build and 2) I pulled out my feng shui books and they also recommend a simple square or rectangle. I also rearranged things to better accommodate feng shui pinciples (not an easy task, especially when trying to place toilets and furnaces).
My husband has his heart set on a bermed house--you will recognize a bermed house as the adorable "hobbit house" set into a hill (or possibly with the hill built around it) that takes advantage of the thermal mass of the land. It is what I envision as well. Unfortunately, an underground or bermed earth house requires a strong, load-bearing material like cement and cement is expensive and requires special equipment.
My research (which is not complete) is indicating that what we can afford to build is a straw bale house. Straw bale houses are relatively easy to build and energy efficient (and cute!), but it is not practical/efficient/affordable to do them underground. You use rectangular, tightly-packed straw bales to create your home (or fill in the walls if you decide to frame the house in wood or steel) and then paint a (lime, adobe, earthen, etc.) plaster over the bales. The reason straw bale is affordable for us is because the farm has lots of straw that we can gather and bale and store until we are ready to build. The plaster for a straw bale house averages about $5/square foot and if we do load-bearing straw baling, we eliminate the cost of timber framing.
An option that does allow for earth sheltering/berming is using earthbags. Earthbags are what they sound like: bags filled with earth which you stack like bricks. Supposedly, building with earthbags is one of the least expensive ways to build an earth sheltered home...but apparently manufacturers got wind of the interest and so purchasing polypropylene or burlap bags is not as cheap as it once was. Once again, if we are able to fill the bags with dirt from the farm (that sounds like a pain in the ass, but then again so does cutting and baling a bazillion bales of straw), then this might be affordable.
If we could get a loan for $50,000 at 3% interest, that would be one thing. Since that is unlikely to be an option, we need to build for $10-15/square foot, which is next to nothing. Any supplies and appliances that we do not currently own will be purchased from Habitat for Humanity and "ding and dent" suppliers. The point of this endeavor is not to have a show-quality house, it is to build a home and a particular lifestyle for our family. As idyllic as this life sounds--somewhat off the grid, growing our own food, raising farm animals, breathing fresh air, kids exploring the landscape, time together as a family--it is not a life easily won or kept. Our reluctance to go into debt must be honored, and that means we have to choose affordable materials and do the labor ourselves. My imagination easily grabs on to the gorgeous natural building examples in books and online and I want to believe that we, too, with little experience and even less money, can do it! It is important to me, however, that I have realistic expectations (which can certainly be exceeded! please, surprise and impress me!) so that I am not disappointed with a realistic outcome.
My imagination running away with itself is nothing new to me (I spend a lot of time there), and so when I need to ground I have found that it helps to define my overall objective. When preparing a character analysis for a play, I always identify what my character's overall objective (sometimes referred to as a "super-objective") is. For each scene, I then describe what my strategy, specific tactics, obstacles, and conditioning forces are. (Studying theatre is awesome, especially for someone like me who is fascinated by psychology, dynamic relationships and tensions, collaborative endeavors, etc. etc. etc.)
Overall objective: be in right relationship with God/dess, myself, others, the earth; embody Love; feel at Home
Strategy: strive to be in better relationship with all of the above while appreciating the very good things I have (loving family, support system, needs are met)
Specific Tactics: save money for building on the farm; research and plan for earth-shelter; self-sufficient lifestyle as much as possible; enjoy my family time; be open to opportunities
Obstacles: limited financial resources; learning curve for self-sustainability and home construction skills; the things I am good at do not lend to a high/consistent income
Conditioning Forces: I am pregnant and tired (and hungry...always hungry...)
The danger in putting together our needs assessment is that I look at our lists and think, oh yes! we will have space for these things! And we could do this! And this! Oh, and this would be so pretty! And...then I remember that we are looking at a budget of $20,000. That amount of money is not going to build the 1200 square foot house of our dreams. That plan I drew up based on our needs assessment? Tossed. Gone is the office/healing space, gone is the third bedroom, the garage/shop is detached, and everything has to be a bit smaller. I sketched a new plan which is a simple rectangle. There are two reasons for this: 1) my research insists that a house with four corners is the cheapest to build and 2) I pulled out my feng shui books and they also recommend a simple square or rectangle. I also rearranged things to better accommodate feng shui pinciples (not an easy task, especially when trying to place toilets and furnaces).
My husband has his heart set on a bermed house--you will recognize a bermed house as the adorable "hobbit house" set into a hill (or possibly with the hill built around it) that takes advantage of the thermal mass of the land. It is what I envision as well. Unfortunately, an underground or bermed earth house requires a strong, load-bearing material like cement and cement is expensive and requires special equipment.
My research (which is not complete) is indicating that what we can afford to build is a straw bale house. Straw bale houses are relatively easy to build and energy efficient (and cute!), but it is not practical/efficient/affordable to do them underground. You use rectangular, tightly-packed straw bales to create your home (or fill in the walls if you decide to frame the house in wood or steel) and then paint a (lime, adobe, earthen, etc.) plaster over the bales. The reason straw bale is affordable for us is because the farm has lots of straw that we can gather and bale and store until we are ready to build. The plaster for a straw bale house averages about $5/square foot and if we do load-bearing straw baling, we eliminate the cost of timber framing.
An option that does allow for earth sheltering/berming is using earthbags. Earthbags are what they sound like: bags filled with earth which you stack like bricks. Supposedly, building with earthbags is one of the least expensive ways to build an earth sheltered home...but apparently manufacturers got wind of the interest and so purchasing polypropylene or burlap bags is not as cheap as it once was. Once again, if we are able to fill the bags with dirt from the farm (that sounds like a pain in the ass, but then again so does cutting and baling a bazillion bales of straw), then this might be affordable.
If we could get a loan for $50,000 at 3% interest, that would be one thing. Since that is unlikely to be an option, we need to build for $10-15/square foot, which is next to nothing. Any supplies and appliances that we do not currently own will be purchased from Habitat for Humanity and "ding and dent" suppliers. The point of this endeavor is not to have a show-quality house, it is to build a home and a particular lifestyle for our family. As idyllic as this life sounds--somewhat off the grid, growing our own food, raising farm animals, breathing fresh air, kids exploring the landscape, time together as a family--it is not a life easily won or kept. Our reluctance to go into debt must be honored, and that means we have to choose affordable materials and do the labor ourselves. My imagination easily grabs on to the gorgeous natural building examples in books and online and I want to believe that we, too, with little experience and even less money, can do it! It is important to me, however, that I have realistic expectations (which can certainly be exceeded! please, surprise and impress me!) so that I am not disappointed with a realistic outcome.
My imagination running away with itself is nothing new to me (I spend a lot of time there), and so when I need to ground I have found that it helps to define my overall objective. When preparing a character analysis for a play, I always identify what my character's overall objective (sometimes referred to as a "super-objective") is. For each scene, I then describe what my strategy, specific tactics, obstacles, and conditioning forces are. (Studying theatre is awesome, especially for someone like me who is fascinated by psychology, dynamic relationships and tensions, collaborative endeavors, etc. etc. etc.)
Overall objective: be in right relationship with God/dess, myself, others, the earth; embody Love; feel at Home
Strategy: strive to be in better relationship with all of the above while appreciating the very good things I have (loving family, support system, needs are met)
Specific Tactics: save money for building on the farm; research and plan for earth-shelter; self-sufficient lifestyle as much as possible; enjoy my family time; be open to opportunities
Obstacles: limited financial resources; learning curve for self-sustainability and home construction skills; the things I am good at do not lend to a high/consistent income
Conditioning Forces: I am pregnant and tired (and hungry...always hungry...)
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Money is the root of all evil; I need more money.
I have never had a lot of money. I've had a job of some sort since I was 12 and have supported myself (and often others) since college. I have always been frugal and hesitant to borrow money; it took me many years to pay off my substantial student loans and now I have my husband's substantial law school loans to consider. We don't use credit cards (outside of emergencies) and if we can't afford something, we don't buy it.
Despite the tongue-in-cheek title of this post, I don't hate money. I like having money. Money is necessary in order to live in the United States. What I don't like is being beholden to money or having my personal happiness and satisfaction tied to how much money I make/have. I would love to have plenty of money, but I realized many years ago that I was not willing to be the person I would need to be in order to make a lot of money. (I also realized, to my chagrin, that I was not willing to be person I would need to be in order to be a successful theatre artist.)
As a kid, I fantasized about having a Victorian manor; I still gaze dreamily at Victorian manors, but I know that they require a lot of upkeep and probably have high utility bills and that while I love the idea of having a music room and a craft room and a play room, I would rather my whole family be in one room where we parallel play or play together. In the same way, though I often wish that we could afford to eat out more often and go to a really nice restaurant every once in a while, I would rather have meals at home with my family every night than have one of us working late so that we can afford a more affluent lifestyle.
Our monthly budget includes rent, utilities, cell phones, gas, food, life insurance, car insurance, student loan payments, taxes, and additional medical payments/bills. I am personally quite proud of how well we do on the amount of money we bring in, but there's not much wiggle room and our expendable income is basically zilch. A "date night" is us on the couch with something fun that we both want to watch and possibly something special to eat (my husband's specialty is pie). These are the sacrifices we are willing to make in order to raise our own children and have time together ("sacrifice" means "to make sacred"). Should we start digging a home, further sacrifices will be need to be made.
In an ideal world, we would secure a $30,000 loan to be paid over 10 years at a rate of 3% or less. Since I am not sure what the real world budget looks like right now, we'll go with the ideal world monthly budget. This budget assumes we have subsidized medical insurance under the Affordable Care Act, our current life and car insurance rates, and that we use electric rather than gas for cooking. It also does not take into account student loan repayment or unexpected medical bills. Most of these budget items are non-negotiable (we have to make loan payments, we have to pay for utilities, we have to make insurance payments). Depending on our garden harvests and how often we need to drive into town or fill up the farm vehicles, food and gas could possible be a bit lower; animals, however, will add to the expenses.
Loan Repayment: $289.68
Insurance (Life, Car, Medical): $400
Utilities (cell phones, internet, electric): $300
Gas: $80
Food: $400
IDEAL WORLD TOTAL: $1469.68
Basically, we need to be bringing in $1500/month minimum PLUS taxes (federal and state income taxes, self-employment tax, property tax), bringing us to a minimum monthly income of $2000, or $24,000/year. I'm not gonna lie, that's a good chunk of change to have to bring in plus working the farm (so that the farm might eventually be self-sustaining). For now, I'm not going to think about the fact that this does not allow for any savings, including retirement.
One of my downfalls is that I am a very poor salesperson. I am happy to sell you something you need for a price that is fair to both of us, but I am completely unwilling to talk you into buying something, particularly if you think you don't need it. Add to this the fact that many of the people who actually need the services I provide are as financially strapped as I am and you have a dismal failure of a salesperson. As a healer, I am going to help someone whether they can pay for it or not (I do a *lot* of bartering) because they need it; while this altruistic attitude is great in many ways, it doesn't help pay the bills.
A few years ago, when we were expecting our first child, I freaked out about money and started looking into getting a (fourth) job. I was offered an online job doing boring internet stuff but then realized that the answer to our money problems was not me getting yet another job in addition to adding a brand new helpless person to take care of.
To come up with $2000/month, I could do a combination of the following options:
The worst case scenario is I get a minimum-wage job in town. Well, I guess the *worst* worst-case scenario is that I can't even get a minimum-wage job in town and we can't pay our taxes and we have to depend on the kindness of family members in order to feed our children.
I am not crazy about my current day job, but it is a job and it pays the bills. The job's security is diminishing, however, and who knows how long it will actually last. This is where the question "do I stay in the blah known or jump into the exciting--but uncertain--unknown?" is asked and my answer to that question is "well, duh, jump into the unknown!" My heart shouts "Yes! You will be okay!" while my brain counters "Whoa, wait, you have to come up with how much? What if, what if, what if???"
It's the first 5 years that scare me. After that, we should have things (kind of sort of) figured out.
Despite the tongue-in-cheek title of this post, I don't hate money. I like having money. Money is necessary in order to live in the United States. What I don't like is being beholden to money or having my personal happiness and satisfaction tied to how much money I make/have. I would love to have plenty of money, but I realized many years ago that I was not willing to be the person I would need to be in order to make a lot of money. (I also realized, to my chagrin, that I was not willing to be person I would need to be in order to be a successful theatre artist.)
As a kid, I fantasized about having a Victorian manor; I still gaze dreamily at Victorian manors, but I know that they require a lot of upkeep and probably have high utility bills and that while I love the idea of having a music room and a craft room and a play room, I would rather my whole family be in one room where we parallel play or play together. In the same way, though I often wish that we could afford to eat out more often and go to a really nice restaurant every once in a while, I would rather have meals at home with my family every night than have one of us working late so that we can afford a more affluent lifestyle.
Our monthly budget includes rent, utilities, cell phones, gas, food, life insurance, car insurance, student loan payments, taxes, and additional medical payments/bills. I am personally quite proud of how well we do on the amount of money we bring in, but there's not much wiggle room and our expendable income is basically zilch. A "date night" is us on the couch with something fun that we both want to watch and possibly something special to eat (my husband's specialty is pie). These are the sacrifices we are willing to make in order to raise our own children and have time together ("sacrifice" means "to make sacred"). Should we start digging a home, further sacrifices will be need to be made.
In an ideal world, we would secure a $30,000 loan to be paid over 10 years at a rate of 3% or less. Since I am not sure what the real world budget looks like right now, we'll go with the ideal world monthly budget. This budget assumes we have subsidized medical insurance under the Affordable Care Act, our current life and car insurance rates, and that we use electric rather than gas for cooking. It also does not take into account student loan repayment or unexpected medical bills. Most of these budget items are non-negotiable (we have to make loan payments, we have to pay for utilities, we have to make insurance payments). Depending on our garden harvests and how often we need to drive into town or fill up the farm vehicles, food and gas could possible be a bit lower; animals, however, will add to the expenses.
Loan Repayment: $289.68
Insurance (Life, Car, Medical): $400
Utilities (cell phones, internet, electric): $300
Gas: $80
Food: $400
IDEAL WORLD TOTAL: $1469.68
Basically, we need to be bringing in $1500/month minimum PLUS taxes (federal and state income taxes, self-employment tax, property tax), bringing us to a minimum monthly income of $2000, or $24,000/year. I'm not gonna lie, that's a good chunk of change to have to bring in plus working the farm (so that the farm might eventually be self-sustaining). For now, I'm not going to think about the fact that this does not allow for any savings, including retirement.
One of my downfalls is that I am a very poor salesperson. I am happy to sell you something you need for a price that is fair to both of us, but I am completely unwilling to talk you into buying something, particularly if you think you don't need it. Add to this the fact that many of the people who actually need the services I provide are as financially strapped as I am and you have a dismal failure of a salesperson. As a healer, I am going to help someone whether they can pay for it or not (I do a *lot* of bartering) because they need it; while this altruistic attitude is great in many ways, it doesn't help pay the bills.
A few years ago, when we were expecting our first child, I freaked out about money and started looking into getting a (fourth) job. I was offered an online job doing boring internet stuff but then realized that the answer to our money problems was not me getting yet another job in addition to adding a brand new helpless person to take care of.
To come up with $2000/month, I could do a combination of the following options:
- re-apply for boring internet job and work from home
- try some more aggressive marketing tactics (against my will) and try to get more over the phone clients for tarot readings, distance healing, and spiritual direction
- offer workshops and classes and perhaps get hired to teach theatre or music in town
- sell organic teas and tinctures, loose herbs, and herbal crafts at the farmers' market and online (once our herb garden is producing)
My husband can work as well, but that means he won't be able to put his time and energy into maintaining the farm. He could take the Montana BAR (I hate to make him take the BAR again) and perhaps find some lawyer work. He can hire himself out as a gardener, landscaper, or general hired help. I think he could have great success as a professional Wedding Dancer (the man dances like no one is watching...and trust me, *everyone* is watching). We could sell his delicious homemade bread (along with eggs and milk, eventually).
I am not crazy about my current day job, but it is a job and it pays the bills. The job's security is diminishing, however, and who knows how long it will actually last. This is where the question "do I stay in the blah known or jump into the exciting--but uncertain--unknown?" is asked and my answer to that question is "well, duh, jump into the unknown!" My heart shouts "Yes! You will be okay!" while my brain counters "Whoa, wait, you have to come up with how much? What if, what if, what if???"
It's the first 5 years that scare me. After that, we should have things (kind of sort of) figured out.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Needs Assessment
My husband and I have been (very informally) sketching what our "hobbit hole" will look like for the past three years. It is only recently, however, that we decided it was time to start figuring out the specifics.
The house we currently live in is 884 square feet and we use about 100 additional square feet of the basement for laundry and storage (the rest of the basement is not usable). It's a small house and we would love to have a little more room, particularly as we grow our family. And, while we do a fairly good job of keeping our possessions to a minimum (our tight budget helps), we each have things that we "need" that take up space. For example...
Books. I *love* my books. And I want them to be out in the open so I can admire them when I walk by. It was a sad day when I had to pack up my theatre books and scripts (which filled over a dozen boxes) and put them in the basement to free up space in the second bedroom so we could, you know, raise our child in it. Most of my music books and scores met the same fate (though I have to reference them more often, so some migrated back into a pile in our family area). I have a collection of binders in which I compile information I often reference. My husband also loves his books and between the two of us we have an interesting and diverse library (and a lot a lot of books). We haven't accumulated many books over the past years because we both utilize the library, but once I have checked a book out three or four times, I figure it's time to buy it. In addition, we have a veritable law library (my husband's dream was to be a husband/dad/farmer/poet...so of course he went and got a law degree). Law books are big and heavy and boring, so those can be in storage (but storage has to be created for them). My husband estimates we *need* 180 square feet of wall space for books (and in the "want" category, he simply adds "more").
Crafting Supplies. I like pretty things and I like to (try to) make pretty things. I keep it under control, but I have knitting supplies and fabric and scrapbooking supplies (I don't really scrapbook, but I use the supplies for various projects). I need my supplies to be displayed in an organized way because otherwise I spend all my time sorting and admiring and planning and then I am exhausted and no longer interested in doing the actual craft. I am truly incompetent when it comes to sewing and would like to practice and get better--but by the time I have the sewing machine set up, threaded, and actually working, it's time to do something else (like feed the kid or go to bed).
Musical Instruments. I have played the flute since I was six and am a firm believer in the importance of music in a person's life and particularly in a child's education. I want to keep our piano (I don't play, but I can plunk out notes and pick out chords), several flutes, a djembe drum I made, and some additional "children's" instruments. I would like for these to be out in the open, but we may need to have some out-of-the-way storage for them (particularly since our toddler likes to manhandle my best flute whenever she can get to it).
Baby/Child Stuff. We have less baby/child stuff than anyone I know (who has kids) and it is still a lot of stuff. And we didn't buy much of it (hooray for hand-me-downs!). The things we have, we really do need: crib, changing table, dresser, books, limited amount of toys, cloth diapers, linens, co-sleeper, pack-n-play, gates, baby carriers, stroller (we actually rarely use the stroller). I really want a swing for this next baby. We have clothing that needs to be stored because who knows how many kiddos are going to join us over the next 5-7 years (we got married in our early thirties and have limited time left).
And there are other items, like my herbs (for teas, infusions, and tinctures) and my Reiki table (which does fold up) and my husband's board game collection (a shelf-full, nothing unmanageable) and our survival stash (for when the zombies attack). Part of me wishes we could live in a 400 square foot house and get rid of anything that didn't fit, but I know I wouldn't like living that way. What I have I have because it is life-giving to me and my family. (Fine, I know the TV and DVD player aren't technically necessary...except to my sanity which requires some mindless downtime now and then. For the record, our movie collection is minuscule.)
We are hoping to build something in the 1100+ square foot range. We have seen designs for earth-shelters (and the like) that are 2000+ square feet, so we know it is a reasonable goal. While we have not completely dismissed a multiple-level design, right now we are focusing on a one-level home.
Lists!
In order to get our thoughts into some sort of coherent form so we could move into actual design, we made several lists.
Household Member Needs. Each member of the household gets to write down their list of needs. For example, my list of needs include space for the items I listed above, plus a pantry, a family play area with a couch, and a comfy soaker bathtub (that's my luxurious request). My husband's list includes a workshop/tool room, storage (for everything: he wants it to have someplace out of the way to go), a greenhouse, and a laundry room with access to an outdoor line. Our list for the children includes play space, reading space, quiet/dark sleeping space, a place for playing games, a place for their clothes, changing table, places for nursing, and easy-to-clean eating areas. While we didn't go into detail, we also noted that we needed to be able to accommodate guests. Our current home is so small that hosting even two people feels quite crowded; we would like to be able to have people over occasionally and also provide sleeping arrangements for out of town guests such as my parents or sisters.
Areas. I took the household member needs and used the information to create a list of the different areas the house needed:
sleeping
eating
cooking
bathing
games
reading
crafting
music practice
entertaining
entertainment
computer use
homework
work
clothing
storage
Outdoor Areas. We will need an outdoor area (partially paved?) for playing/eating/relaxing as well as the various animal enclosures. My husband's undergraduate degree is in horticulture and he loves gardening, so there will be many gardens (vegetable, fruit, herb, and flower).
And, finally, we used all that info to compile the NEEDS/WANTS list:
The house we currently live in is 884 square feet and we use about 100 additional square feet of the basement for laundry and storage (the rest of the basement is not usable). It's a small house and we would love to have a little more room, particularly as we grow our family. And, while we do a fairly good job of keeping our possessions to a minimum (our tight budget helps), we each have things that we "need" that take up space. For example...
Books. I *love* my books. And I want them to be out in the open so I can admire them when I walk by. It was a sad day when I had to pack up my theatre books and scripts (which filled over a dozen boxes) and put them in the basement to free up space in the second bedroom so we could, you know, raise our child in it. Most of my music books and scores met the same fate (though I have to reference them more often, so some migrated back into a pile in our family area). I have a collection of binders in which I compile information I often reference. My husband also loves his books and between the two of us we have an interesting and diverse library (and a lot a lot of books). We haven't accumulated many books over the past years because we both utilize the library, but once I have checked a book out three or four times, I figure it's time to buy it. In addition, we have a veritable law library (my husband's dream was to be a husband/dad/farmer/poet...so of course he went and got a law degree). Law books are big and heavy and boring, so those can be in storage (but storage has to be created for them). My husband estimates we *need* 180 square feet of wall space for books (and in the "want" category, he simply adds "more").
Crafting Supplies. I like pretty things and I like to (try to) make pretty things. I keep it under control, but I have knitting supplies and fabric and scrapbooking supplies (I don't really scrapbook, but I use the supplies for various projects). I need my supplies to be displayed in an organized way because otherwise I spend all my time sorting and admiring and planning and then I am exhausted and no longer interested in doing the actual craft. I am truly incompetent when it comes to sewing and would like to practice and get better--but by the time I have the sewing machine set up, threaded, and actually working, it's time to do something else (like feed the kid or go to bed).
Musical Instruments. I have played the flute since I was six and am a firm believer in the importance of music in a person's life and particularly in a child's education. I want to keep our piano (I don't play, but I can plunk out notes and pick out chords), several flutes, a djembe drum I made, and some additional "children's" instruments. I would like for these to be out in the open, but we may need to have some out-of-the-way storage for them (particularly since our toddler likes to manhandle my best flute whenever she can get to it).
Baby/Child Stuff. We have less baby/child stuff than anyone I know (who has kids) and it is still a lot of stuff. And we didn't buy much of it (hooray for hand-me-downs!). The things we have, we really do need: crib, changing table, dresser, books, limited amount of toys, cloth diapers, linens, co-sleeper, pack-n-play, gates, baby carriers, stroller (we actually rarely use the stroller). I really want a swing for this next baby. We have clothing that needs to be stored because who knows how many kiddos are going to join us over the next 5-7 years (we got married in our early thirties and have limited time left).
And there are other items, like my herbs (for teas, infusions, and tinctures) and my Reiki table (which does fold up) and my husband's board game collection (a shelf-full, nothing unmanageable) and our survival stash (for when the zombies attack). Part of me wishes we could live in a 400 square foot house and get rid of anything that didn't fit, but I know I wouldn't like living that way. What I have I have because it is life-giving to me and my family. (Fine, I know the TV and DVD player aren't technically necessary...except to my sanity which requires some mindless downtime now and then. For the record, our movie collection is minuscule.)
We are hoping to build something in the 1100+ square foot range. We have seen designs for earth-shelters (and the like) that are 2000+ square feet, so we know it is a reasonable goal. While we have not completely dismissed a multiple-level design, right now we are focusing on a one-level home.
Lists!
In order to get our thoughts into some sort of coherent form so we could move into actual design, we made several lists.
Household Member Needs. Each member of the household gets to write down their list of needs. For example, my list of needs include space for the items I listed above, plus a pantry, a family play area with a couch, and a comfy soaker bathtub (that's my luxurious request). My husband's list includes a workshop/tool room, storage (for everything: he wants it to have someplace out of the way to go), a greenhouse, and a laundry room with access to an outdoor line. Our list for the children includes play space, reading space, quiet/dark sleeping space, a place for playing games, a place for their clothes, changing table, places for nursing, and easy-to-clean eating areas. While we didn't go into detail, we also noted that we needed to be able to accommodate guests. Our current home is so small that hosting even two people feels quite crowded; we would like to be able to have people over occasionally and also provide sleeping arrangements for out of town guests such as my parents or sisters.
Areas. I took the household member needs and used the information to create a list of the different areas the house needed:
sleeping
eating
cooking
bathing
games
reading
crafting
music practice
entertaining
entertainment
computer use
homework
work
clothing
storage
Outdoor Areas. We will need an outdoor area (partially paved?) for playing/eating/relaxing as well as the various animal enclosures. My husband's undergraduate degree is in horticulture and he loves gardening, so there will be many gardens (vegetable, fruit, herb, and flower).
And, finally, we used all that info to compile the NEEDS/WANTS list:
- 180 square feet wall space for books (want: more)
- 2 bathroom(s) (want: 3 with integrated waste-water system/recycling)
- 3 bedrooms (want: 6)
- kitchen/dining area (want: paved outdoor space with barbecue)
- living/family room (want: arts and crafts area--storage and production)
- space for water heater/furnace (want: solar/wind power/solar water heater; geothermal heat--radiant floor?)
- wood furnace and wood storage (want: fireplace; intake from outside??)
- laundry with outdoor line
- out-of-sight vehicle storage (want: underground parking)
- 2 cubic yards clothes storage (want: 3 cubic yards)
- workshop/toolroom (want: greenhouse)
- well water source (want: grey water soakaway; electric and wind manual pump as back up)
- electric lighting (want: at least future compatibility for solar and wind power)
- storage for clothes, games, crafts, books, linens (want: survival bunker with seeds, food, blankets, water, first aid)
We created a spreadsheet so we can record the measurements of our furniture and appliances and estimate costs for things we will need to purchase for the home. We will use the measurements to figure out how much counter space, cupboard space, floor space, etc. we need.
Here is the design I sketched out that takes into account most of the needs. It's not to scale, it is just to give an idea of the flow of the house (and I haven't pulled out my feng shui books yet). There are definitely issues, such as the laundry room doesn't have access to an outside line and I'm not sure how it will vent.
Before we can decide on the materials we are going to use, we need to decide where exactly on the farm we are going to build (there are some strict regulations in place). Once we confirm the site, we can determine the orientation and appropriate materials. To be honest, the main factor in choosing the materials is cost (after structural reliability, of course). The farm land has clay/silt, sand, trees, straw, cattails (for possible thatching or insulation) and manure available. Ideally, we will be able to build for around $25,000. That's not a lot of money for a house (and yet a huge amount of money for us). We are planning on doing the majority of the work ourselves with the assistance of my husband's family; this cuts down the construction costs considerably, but we are still looking at building materials, utilities, and hiring labor for things we cannot do.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Small Life, Big Picture
Several years ago, when I was 28 and living a vastly different life than the one I live now, I had a dramatic burn out that led to an examination of my priorities. It's a long story; the extremely short version is that once I had identified what truly mattered to me, I started to align my lifestyle with those qualities. This alignment required making sacrifices and, ultimately, turning around and going in the complete opposite direction I had been travelling. In astrological terms, I went through my first Saturn Return, transitioning from Maiden into Mother. The transition was uncomfortable, to say the least, and full of conflict, tension, and difficult lessons (though it also offered its joys, gifts, and blessings). And of course it was only when I finally gave up struggling and threw my hands up in surrender that I was whirled around and guided to where I was supposed to be.
I know that description of my past is a bit vague, but it gives a general idea of why I am where I am (and where I am is in a different city, with a different lifestyle, married to a different man). Though I certainly have Big Life envy at times, I know that a Big Life will not make me happy. For me, happiness means feeling "at Home"--that feeling of Belonging, of unconditional Love. Time is my currency, not money (both are concepts, not realities, for what it's worth). I find that the smaller I get, the more of the big picture I can see...the picture is so expansive, so intricate, so diverse, and so very very beautiful and I want to breathe in more and more of it. If I allow my ego to get smaller and smaller, I find the Love and awe I feel grow bigger and bigger.
My husband uses different words, but he shares the same concept. When we met, we were each pleased to find that we shared the same values and priorities. We both wanted a large family and to live in a semi-off-the-grid earth shelter. We both wanted to live life as a sacrament, as in honoring and taking care of the sacred and mysterious universe we live in moment by moment. (I suppose now is a good time to explain that I use a lot of mystical and symbolic language. If there is a "sacred" definition and a "religious" definition, I am most likely using the former.)
We already live a small life and it is satisfying in a sacred way. We rent a small house in the Inland Northwest, eat from our garden throughout the summer, bake our own bread, and cook primarily from scratch. Though we do not have much money and have to live on a strict budget, we do not feel poor (well, sometimes I feel poor, but then I remind myself of all the things that are more valuable to me than money). We have what we need. My husband grew up on a farm and is skilled at the tasks needed for self-sufficiency (he is also ascetically-biased in general; for example, he would prefer we not have a TV whereas I very much enjoy having a TV). I am less skilled, unfortunately, but do have some crafty and caring talents to contribute.
And so, after talking and dreaming about it since our relationship was solidified three and a half years ago, we are taking seriously the idea of moving to the family farm my husband grew up on in western Montana, building an earth shelter, and living off the land (and freelance work). There are many factors to consider, not the least of which is whether this is a financially viable endeavor, and I will outline in this blog our thought and design processes...and, should we manifest this dream, how we make it happen.
Why now?
I am the working parent and my husband stays at home with our 18 month old daughter. We are both highly educated (I have a masters degree, my husband a doctorate), but I am apparently the more employable in this economy. I work an increasingly dissatisfying corporate day job, a part-time music job, and as a freelancer (as a healer, spiritual companion, and presenter). I enjoy my family time and my freelance work, but not eight hours of each work day. There are no jobs in my field(s) available where I live and I am loathe to simply move to another spirit-crushing corporate job. If we stay where we are, I need to make enough income to pay the bills, feed us, and make ends meet in general; if we move to an earth-shelter, our budget will (ideally) consist of less expenses and give me more flexibility when it comes to a job. And if it doesn't...well, I can get a soul-crushing corporate job there (though it will not pay as well as it would here).
As a Mom and perpetually-pregnant woman (I have been pregnant 20 of the 33 months we have been married), I have been learning more about what goes into store-bought eggs and milk and meat and am more and more disturbed by what I learn. I feel helpless because I do not want to continue consuming hormones and antibiotics nor contribute to poor living conditions for animals (etc. etc. etc.), but we cannot afford organic/raw milk, free-range eggs or grass-fed beef. On the farm, we could have chickens and eventually a dairy cow, goat, and perhaps a pig. We would most likely farm wheat as well.
While we would be relatively isolated on the farm (and that isolation is certainly something to consider in regards to my mental and emotional health), the fact is that we don't get out much. I am quite a bit more social than my husband, and that is not saying much (I love humanity in general, but specific humans drive me nuts). In Montana, our children would have cousins and third-cousins to play with regularly, whereas here we only see even local cousins occasionally. Most of my close friends are spread across the country and so it doesn't really matter if I live here or there (though I do have a few good friends here who would be sorely missed). My husband doesn't have any friends where we live now (which he is okay with) and his best friend's family (all of whom I like) live near the farm and would be fun to hang out with on a regular basis. My husband's parents still live on the farm and would love to have us there (and could use the help).
Farm life, from what everyone who grew up on a farm has told me, is great for kids. I know it isn't an easy life, but there are a lot of wonderful things about living and growing up on a farm. If both my husband and I are available to put the time and energy into farm work and child raising, it would be a wonderful life for us.
Why not now?
Building an earth shelter is going to be hard work. Designing a functional house is intellectually challenging and constructing said house is back breaking work. We have been playing with ideas and designs and plans for years and still have not settled on what medium we want to use. Cob? Straw bale? Timber frame? Grain bins? Cement? The information and options make my head spin. I have no construction experience and I have to just trust that my husband really does know what he is talking about (I read and question and clarify, but my brain just doesn't fully track some of the concepts). My father-in-law built the house my husband grew up in and it is very nice and still standing...that said, I understand there was quite a bit of trial and error and FIL is still working on it after 35 years. My husband is confident he can make it all work properly, but I hate not having enough knowledge to judge whether he knows what he is doing.
Mosquitoes. I fucking hate mosquitoes (doesn't everyone?). I am always amazed at the blood lust mosquitoes inspire in me--I don't just want them to die, I want them to die in pain and fire. *All* of them. I hates them. The farm land has both river and slough (beautiful!) and, consequently, a plague of mosquitoes every summer (wretched, hateful things!). Whenever we visit, I am unpleasantly reminded that outdoor activities result in being eaten alive by mosquitoes. I have some ideas, mostly consisting of mosquito netting (an outdoor play/eating area with netting curtains and a beekeeper-esque outfit for me). I worry that mosquitoes will make me miserable--and that seeing bites all over my children will drive me insane.
The farm is about 20 minutes from town. It isn't completely isolated, but it is more isolated than I am used to. My husband knows people: his parents, extended family, best friend and family, neighbors, acquaintances. I know no one other than the family and best friend. While I am not super social, I do need a kindred spirit or two to have a bottle of wine with (my husband doesn't drink at all) and "vent" (I process through just about everything by venting and I need feedback...my husband is good at listening but dismal at giving feedback). On personality tests, I am equal extrovert and introvert. I am comfortable on stage, have many friends (though I may not socialize much), and am often described as charismatic, outspoken, and loud (these are the "nice" descriptors); I also require regular down-time in order to re-charge and am very content to be alone with myself. The nearby town has a population of about 20,000 (and the surrounding areas raise that number to just above 90,000, which is a little less than half the population of the city we currently live in). There are people to meet and things to do, but I will need to exert effort to find them. I imagine I will primarily hang out with my family and the people mentioned above. Hopefully people will come to visit us to soak in the landscape and ooh and ahh over our innovative home. And we will absolutely have to invest in reliable and fast internet service because I *love* my virtual friendships (most of whom are in-real-life friends who are simply too far away to engage in person).
I am fond of where we live right now. I like the city (my hometown), I like our neighborhood, and I like being close to most of my immediate family. I would probably miss these things. I just don't know (yet) whether I will really and truly and consistently like living on the (sometimes mosquito-infested) farm. I don't have to do much physical labor here; there will be lots and lots of hard and physical work to be done on the farm--things that will have to get done no matter how exhausted or pregnant or cranky I am. What if I don't like it? What if it is too difficult for me (as in, what if I don't ever get to be lazy)? The unknown is scary. I'm a courageous girl and have lept into the unknown before. I'm brave enough to make this leap...and know myself well enough to admit where I might fall short. My husband is a tireless worker and thrives on physical labor. He doesn't expect me to do much "hard" stuff. I never want to take advantage of him, though.
We have minimal financial resources available to us. We would need a small construction loan (whether that is through public or private means remains to be determined) and our savings won't get us very far. Our earth-shelter needs are a little more demanding than a simple one to three room home--we are raising a growing family. Animals are expensive to buy, breed (when necessary), and raise. In the long run, I think our plan is viable and sound and our cost-of-living will decrease. Start-up costs need to be considered, though.
Saying Yes
My gut says to just do it. My husband's heart has been leading him to do this for over a decade. We want to just do it.
In times of discernment, I pray, I meditate, I imagine what life looks like in each possibility, and I do a tarot reading. Tarot is widely misunderstood and I know many people think it is scary. Tarot is not fortune-telling or divination (contrary to popular belief) and does not "bring in evil spirits" (that costs extra). A tarot reading tells a story that, ideally, brings to the forefront what is on the person being read's heart and mind. I have been reading tarot cards for fifteen years and have found them to be an affirming and effective way of looking at issues from a different viewpoint for both myself and my clients--and they just happen to be surprisingly accurate. (I'm a skilled reader, incorporate spiritual direction into my readings, and am outrageously affordable. I do phone and in-person readings; if you've ever wanted a reading, you should contact me for one!)
Here is my tarot reading for "what happens if we just pick up, move to the farm, and build an earth-shelter?":
I know that description of my past is a bit vague, but it gives a general idea of why I am where I am (and where I am is in a different city, with a different lifestyle, married to a different man). Though I certainly have Big Life envy at times, I know that a Big Life will not make me happy. For me, happiness means feeling "at Home"--that feeling of Belonging, of unconditional Love. Time is my currency, not money (both are concepts, not realities, for what it's worth). I find that the smaller I get, the more of the big picture I can see...the picture is so expansive, so intricate, so diverse, and so very very beautiful and I want to breathe in more and more of it. If I allow my ego to get smaller and smaller, I find the Love and awe I feel grow bigger and bigger.
My husband uses different words, but he shares the same concept. When we met, we were each pleased to find that we shared the same values and priorities. We both wanted a large family and to live in a semi-off-the-grid earth shelter. We both wanted to live life as a sacrament, as in honoring and taking care of the sacred and mysterious universe we live in moment by moment. (I suppose now is a good time to explain that I use a lot of mystical and symbolic language. If there is a "sacred" definition and a "religious" definition, I am most likely using the former.)
We already live a small life and it is satisfying in a sacred way. We rent a small house in the Inland Northwest, eat from our garden throughout the summer, bake our own bread, and cook primarily from scratch. Though we do not have much money and have to live on a strict budget, we do not feel poor (well, sometimes I feel poor, but then I remind myself of all the things that are more valuable to me than money). We have what we need. My husband grew up on a farm and is skilled at the tasks needed for self-sufficiency (he is also ascetically-biased in general; for example, he would prefer we not have a TV whereas I very much enjoy having a TV). I am less skilled, unfortunately, but do have some crafty and caring talents to contribute.
And so, after talking and dreaming about it since our relationship was solidified three and a half years ago, we are taking seriously the idea of moving to the family farm my husband grew up on in western Montana, building an earth shelter, and living off the land (and freelance work). There are many factors to consider, not the least of which is whether this is a financially viable endeavor, and I will outline in this blog our thought and design processes...and, should we manifest this dream, how we make it happen.
Why now?
I am the working parent and my husband stays at home with our 18 month old daughter. We are both highly educated (I have a masters degree, my husband a doctorate), but I am apparently the more employable in this economy. I work an increasingly dissatisfying corporate day job, a part-time music job, and as a freelancer (as a healer, spiritual companion, and presenter). I enjoy my family time and my freelance work, but not eight hours of each work day. There are no jobs in my field(s) available where I live and I am loathe to simply move to another spirit-crushing corporate job. If we stay where we are, I need to make enough income to pay the bills, feed us, and make ends meet in general; if we move to an earth-shelter, our budget will (ideally) consist of less expenses and give me more flexibility when it comes to a job. And if it doesn't...well, I can get a soul-crushing corporate job there (though it will not pay as well as it would here).
As a Mom and perpetually-pregnant woman (I have been pregnant 20 of the 33 months we have been married), I have been learning more about what goes into store-bought eggs and milk and meat and am more and more disturbed by what I learn. I feel helpless because I do not want to continue consuming hormones and antibiotics nor contribute to poor living conditions for animals (etc. etc. etc.), but we cannot afford organic/raw milk, free-range eggs or grass-fed beef. On the farm, we could have chickens and eventually a dairy cow, goat, and perhaps a pig. We would most likely farm wheat as well.
While we would be relatively isolated on the farm (and that isolation is certainly something to consider in regards to my mental and emotional health), the fact is that we don't get out much. I am quite a bit more social than my husband, and that is not saying much (I love humanity in general, but specific humans drive me nuts). In Montana, our children would have cousins and third-cousins to play with regularly, whereas here we only see even local cousins occasionally. Most of my close friends are spread across the country and so it doesn't really matter if I live here or there (though I do have a few good friends here who would be sorely missed). My husband doesn't have any friends where we live now (which he is okay with) and his best friend's family (all of whom I like) live near the farm and would be fun to hang out with on a regular basis. My husband's parents still live on the farm and would love to have us there (and could use the help).
Farm life, from what everyone who grew up on a farm has told me, is great for kids. I know it isn't an easy life, but there are a lot of wonderful things about living and growing up on a farm. If both my husband and I are available to put the time and energy into farm work and child raising, it would be a wonderful life for us.
Why not now?
Building an earth shelter is going to be hard work. Designing a functional house is intellectually challenging and constructing said house is back breaking work. We have been playing with ideas and designs and plans for years and still have not settled on what medium we want to use. Cob? Straw bale? Timber frame? Grain bins? Cement? The information and options make my head spin. I have no construction experience and I have to just trust that my husband really does know what he is talking about (I read and question and clarify, but my brain just doesn't fully track some of the concepts). My father-in-law built the house my husband grew up in and it is very nice and still standing...that said, I understand there was quite a bit of trial and error and FIL is still working on it after 35 years. My husband is confident he can make it all work properly, but I hate not having enough knowledge to judge whether he knows what he is doing.
Mosquitoes. I fucking hate mosquitoes (doesn't everyone?). I am always amazed at the blood lust mosquitoes inspire in me--I don't just want them to die, I want them to die in pain and fire. *All* of them. I hates them. The farm land has both river and slough (beautiful!) and, consequently, a plague of mosquitoes every summer (wretched, hateful things!). Whenever we visit, I am unpleasantly reminded that outdoor activities result in being eaten alive by mosquitoes. I have some ideas, mostly consisting of mosquito netting (an outdoor play/eating area with netting curtains and a beekeeper-esque outfit for me). I worry that mosquitoes will make me miserable--and that seeing bites all over my children will drive me insane.
The farm is about 20 minutes from town. It isn't completely isolated, but it is more isolated than I am used to. My husband knows people: his parents, extended family, best friend and family, neighbors, acquaintances. I know no one other than the family and best friend. While I am not super social, I do need a kindred spirit or two to have a bottle of wine with (my husband doesn't drink at all) and "vent" (I process through just about everything by venting and I need feedback...my husband is good at listening but dismal at giving feedback). On personality tests, I am equal extrovert and introvert. I am comfortable on stage, have many friends (though I may not socialize much), and am often described as charismatic, outspoken, and loud (these are the "nice" descriptors); I also require regular down-time in order to re-charge and am very content to be alone with myself. The nearby town has a population of about 20,000 (and the surrounding areas raise that number to just above 90,000, which is a little less than half the population of the city we currently live in). There are people to meet and things to do, but I will need to exert effort to find them. I imagine I will primarily hang out with my family and the people mentioned above. Hopefully people will come to visit us to soak in the landscape and ooh and ahh over our innovative home. And we will absolutely have to invest in reliable and fast internet service because I *love* my virtual friendships (most of whom are in-real-life friends who are simply too far away to engage in person).
I am fond of where we live right now. I like the city (my hometown), I like our neighborhood, and I like being close to most of my immediate family. I would probably miss these things. I just don't know (yet) whether I will really and truly and consistently like living on the (sometimes mosquito-infested) farm. I don't have to do much physical labor here; there will be lots and lots of hard and physical work to be done on the farm--things that will have to get done no matter how exhausted or pregnant or cranky I am. What if I don't like it? What if it is too difficult for me (as in, what if I don't ever get to be lazy)? The unknown is scary. I'm a courageous girl and have lept into the unknown before. I'm brave enough to make this leap...and know myself well enough to admit where I might fall short. My husband is a tireless worker and thrives on physical labor. He doesn't expect me to do much "hard" stuff. I never want to take advantage of him, though.
We have minimal financial resources available to us. We would need a small construction loan (whether that is through public or private means remains to be determined) and our savings won't get us very far. Our earth-shelter needs are a little more demanding than a simple one to three room home--we are raising a growing family. Animals are expensive to buy, breed (when necessary), and raise. In the long run, I think our plan is viable and sound and our cost-of-living will decrease. Start-up costs need to be considered, though.
Saying Yes
My gut says to just do it. My husband's heart has been leading him to do this for over a decade. We want to just do it.
In times of discernment, I pray, I meditate, I imagine what life looks like in each possibility, and I do a tarot reading. Tarot is widely misunderstood and I know many people think it is scary. Tarot is not fortune-telling or divination (contrary to popular belief) and does not "bring in evil spirits" (that costs extra). A tarot reading tells a story that, ideally, brings to the forefront what is on the person being read's heart and mind. I have been reading tarot cards for fifteen years and have found them to be an affirming and effective way of looking at issues from a different viewpoint for both myself and my clients--and they just happen to be surprisingly accurate. (I'm a skilled reader, incorporate spiritual direction into my readings, and am outrageously affordable. I do phone and in-person readings; if you've ever wanted a reading, you should contact me for one!)
Here is my tarot reading for "what happens if we just pick up, move to the farm, and build an earth-shelter?":
I won't go into all the details right now (perhaps later), but this is an overwhelmingly positive reading. It basically says it is going to be a lot of hard, challenging work that leads to the life we want to have and were meant to have. It says that we are in a space right now to manifest this dream and indicates that I will be happy and satisfied with the outcome. I need to work through current feelings of vulnerability and in the future will need to keep our goal in mind as challenges arise. The choice has been made, really...we just need to say Yes and start digging.
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